How It Really Felt to Send My Kids Back to Public School

At first I thought there was no way I'd post anything about the first few weeks of school.  I knew what an intensely emotional time it would be.  Then I remembered that this is what I'm good at.

I show people my "crazy" so they can understand themselves.  This is the reality of sending kids to school in our culture.

Day 1:

8 AM -  I am sick-to-my-stomach nervous as I walk the kids to their classrooms.

9 AM - My dog is very confused because I am pleading with him to get out of his crate and let me hold him.  He lays his old gray snout in my hands while I cry a little.

9:30 AM - I am overwhelmed with emotions, so I decide to write this.

NOON - Several people call and text to ask me how I'm doing.  Sometimes I tell a white lie and say, "Pretty good!"  Sometimes I say, "I am freaking out!"

1 PM - I play Wii for an hour in the basement because I can use the good remote and I don't have to share.

2 PM - I am sweaty and decide to stick my head in the freezer.

2:15 PM - I have eaten a carton of ice cream.

2:30 - I realize that I can watch t.v. shows...on the couch...uninterrupted, but it feels strange to just do one thing, so I simultaneously play on my phone and start making a list of things to do tomorrow.

3:15 - I begin to wonder how long I will wait for the kids to get home before I call the school, or police, or National Guard.

3:30 - I see them walking toward the house and I shout in an unnaturally high tone, "You're Home!"

3:30-8:30  My head spins as I try to take in all the stories and papers and new rules.

9 PM - Michael and I sit down and hold hands and just breathe.

Day 2:

This is awesome!  I have so much stuff that I have been wanting to do!

I go to the grocery store by myself.

I see all our old homeschool books piled up on the shelves and it stabs my heart.  I stuff it down.

I paint some walls.

I relish the clean, quiet space that my house can be.

The day seems to pass very quickly.

The kids get home.  They bicker and jab at each other for hours.  I want to cry because they are tired and they smell weird and I can't believe how much they've changed in 2 days... And I don't want any of these people in my house.

Josie tells me that she got reprimanded on the playground for sitting near a door.  The monitor said, "You should know better.  You're in 5th grade."  She had no idea what she had done.

I can see that she is beginning to lose trust in the adults around her.  I imagine her smoking cigarettes in 7th grade, sneaking out to party in high school,... This was a HUGE mistake.  I traded away our freedom and happiness and bought into the MAN's evil plan to indoctrinate our children.  I will lose my children to the hateful world!

Michael gets home and his look says, "Are you riding the runaway train in your head again?"

We laugh and I realize it has only been 2 days.  We will all need more time to adjust.

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