Mid-Meditation

I am in the middle of a 40-day meditation.  It is based on Kundalini yoga.  I have never tried anything like it before.  It was so highly recommended that I couldn't help but research it.  What I found was a group of pretty evolved people pointing to this experience as pivotal in their personal growth.

These same people often mentioned a challenging period in the midst of the meditation.  I don't shy away from difficult things.  Sometimes I run right up to those challenges and say, "I had a boy's haircut and ate a diet of 75% baloney for 2 years - Bring it."

The instructor is also a personal friend of a personal friend, so I trusted that it was at least a worthwhile learning opportunity.  My inner skeptic thought, "I'll be the judge of that."

Tomorrow is Day 14 and part of me wants to pretend like I've never heard of meditation.  I ache.  I cry.  I am confused and angry and zen.  I have been "excavated." as my dearest friend says.  I have been so torn down that I want to curl up with kids' Netflix shows and Oreos and shut out reality.  I am genuinely scared.  Oscar Mayer and a Dorothy-Hamill-hairdo-gone-wrong have nothin' on this awakening of my divine potential through the tool of the Kundalini coil at the base of my spine.

I have to finish it now.  I can't be left like this.

I am so raw that I feel like the 10-year-old version of myself who just had her first period in the girls' locker room.

Before I began this seemingly harmless meditation, I was practicing a daily visualization exercise.  I would envision myself floating on the surface of  a vast body of water.  Whatever images or sensations formed, I would watch, wait, and ponder.  Then I would begin to sink below the surface watching these images change.  From this simple practice, I have put beautiful words to so many things in my heart.

I began to crave more of this growth and lightness of being.

Now I see that I am a water-loving creature who has been tossed into a desert.  I can hear the vultures circling.  I can feel the heat burning my skin.  There is nowhere to hide.  But, I am going to finish this.




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