Let's Get Real

So far almost everything I’ve written for my blog has been strictly from the lighter side of my dual nature.  In reality, I have two voices: my medicated, kindly, wise, inoffensive voice, and the other voice – the one I would not used in mixed company.

To sample my other voice, read Chapter 6 of my book in progress.

Lately, people who have known me for a long time (pre-motherhood/meltdowns/medication) have encouraged me to tap into that stuffed-down fire and lightning side of myself and add it back into the mix.  

I have honestly been terrified to do it.  I don’t like it when that lady puts on her boots and starts stomping around.  She is a fabulous force of nature, but she isn’t easy to live with.  She doesn’t always think before she speaks and while that can be funny and transformational, it can also hurt people irreparably.  Plus, I usually need a glass of wine and a nap after I let the beast out of her cage. 

So, Mom: If you don’t want to read these posts, I will neatly group them into their own category.  Just DON’T click on this link.  It's only for people who have seen me dress up like a cave woman as their French teacher, throw a ketchup bottle through a door, or tell a high-ranking Belgian university official to F-off.  (He deserved it.)  It is for people who know that inside my head every fourth word is vulgar and that I was scarred by a sexist fundamentalist Christian upbringing.

It is exhausting to be both this beast and her polar opposite, but I can't deny her anymore than I can deny my finger-fluttering, life-affirming, peace and love side.  The universal law of opposites lives in my head.

I don't know if I want to feed this beast yet.  I at least want to acknowledge her and show her gratitude for getting me through some intense and painful situations.  It just feels more like the whole me to include this darker, bolder lens along with the rest of me.  

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